Fool for Love:

After all this waiting and wondering and dreaming... after all this madness, this suffering... nothing could have prepared me for what happened last night. I am such an idiot. A stupid fool. The world has come crushing down on me and everything good inside me is awash with the rain. I have seen Mr. Wrong. And my worst fears were realized. There is another girl, already. It didn't take long and she is beautiful. In fact, she is the opposite of me. Buxom and blonde... outgoing... preppy and pippy. I practically ran to the Ladies room, locked myself in the stall and tried to breathe again. I could barely move except to see my own pale and heartbroken face staring back at me in the mirror. My little waif body curving in on itself as I realized that I would have to be brave. Smile and be merry and pretend that I don't care.

I wanted to hide. I wanted him to look for me, acknowledge me, at least pretend that we are friends. But he barely even spoke to me, except to introduce me to her. Even when I smiled, I smiled to say hi. To say that I'm okay. But nothing. I wanted to hide. To hide from everything underneath my shallow grin. To hide from watchful eyes. The fool for love inside me seeping through my glowing white sweater. Sticking out like a sore thumb, my heart on my sleave.

A sickness overcame me. I tried to be brave but the churning in my stomach began to overwhelm me. The lights and the sounds and my imagination running wild. His lips upon her neck, his hands upon her breasts, his seductive little voice calling out her name over and over and the world began to spin around me. Round and around, spiralling through me, like a hot knife tearing through me. A faintness threatening to grab hold of me, embarass me... I told them all I was not well. A stomach ache. I had to work the next day. So then I just left. So much for bravery.

Today I am numb again. So numb. Such a stupid fool. Off to work again. Walking all the way. Tears hidden by the rain.